


The lessons of a class not attended

by donnarafiki



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Wolfstar, Depressed Draco Malfoy, Depression, Get Together, Hogwarts Eighth Year, M/M, POV Draco Malfoy, Patronus, Remus Lupin Lives, Roommates, Sirius Black Lives, Supportive Harry Potter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-14
Updated: 2017-11-14
Packaged: 2019-02-02 12:49:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12726930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/donnarafiki/pseuds/donnarafiki
Summary: Fifth period: Defence against the Dark Arts.Lesson plan: Practicing the Patronus charm.Extra note: Students with depression are not required to come to the practical part of casting the Patronus charm.Draco stared at the last line for a few seconds, before quickly shutting the diary when Potter came closer to have a look. “Professor Lupin said I could skip this class in order to work on my shielding charm essay.”





	The lessons of a class not attended

“Draco, are you coming?” Draco looked up to his roommate assigned to him for his eighth year at Hogwarts. It was still very odd to hear Potter call him Draco, and he still hadn’t managed to call Potter Harry himself, or even think about the man that way. It still puzzled him that the boy wonder wanted to be in the same room with him at all, but Potter hadn’t protested their room assignments once. 

“Coming where?” Draco responded without thinking about his words first. He cursed himself for sounding so ineloquent. Stupid depression constantly ruining his day. Even having a normal conversation had become a gigantic challenge. 

“Defence, our last class of the day?” Instead of making fun of him for forgetting his class, Potter looked at him with worry in his green eyes. Draco frowned and checked his diary. 

_ Fifth period: Defence against the Dark Arts.  _

_ Lesson plan: Practicing the Patronus charm. _

_ Extra note: Students with depression are not required to come to the practical part of casting the Patronus charm. _

Draco stared at the last line for a few seconds, before quickly shutting the diary when Potter came closer to have a look. “Professor Lupin said I could skip this class in order to work on my shielding charm essay.” 

An easy lie, that would be revealed as soon as Potter showed up for that afternoon’s defence class. But Draco’s brain wasn’t allowing him to think up anything clever these days, so in truth it wasn’t all that surprising. 

“Oh, I didn’t know that.” Potter heaved his bag over his shoulder. “Good luck with your essay then. See you at dinner?”

Draco nodded. Yet another lie. With the way he felt at that moment, he was sure he wouldn’t be able to stomach anything that evening. People, and with people Draco meant Pansy, always told him that he shouldn’t let his depression define him, but how could he do that when the dark cloud in his mind stopped him from even the simplest things, like eating or getting out of bed?

A soft tapping noise made Draco look out of the window before he could contemplate about the matter further. Outside a grey sky hung over the Hogwarts grounds, the many heavy raindrops it contained soon soaking the grass and filling the lake. Slowly Draco got up from his chair and settled in the alcove of the room. His blanked wasn’t thick or warm enough to make him feel comfortable, but getting up again and grabbing his duvet was too much effort.

The next two hours were spent staring blankly out of the window, doing absolutely nothing at all.

* * *

 

When the door of the dormitory opened Draco didn’t look up, because he hadn’t heard it. As soon as darkness had fully fallen over the Hogwarts grounds he’d fallen asleep with one side of his face pressed against the cold window. The homework piling up on his desk still hadn’t been done, and just like he had predicted earlier he hadn’t come to dinner either. 

“Draco?” The blonde stirred, but his eyes stayed closed. The scarfaced man in the doorway dropped his book bag and crossed the room, coming to a standstill just in front of his sleeping roommate. 

“Could you… Could you wake up for me?” The question was hesitantly asked, which was odd for a man who usually oozed with confidence. Or at least that’s how Draco always saw him. 

When Draco slowly opened his eyes he saw Potter had sunken down on one knee so the man was at eye level with Draco’s still half sleeping form. The usually so vibrantly green eyes were slightly bloodshot and held an unusual seriousness in them. His glasses stood a bit lopsided on his face, and without thinking about it twice Draco reached out to fix that. 

“How was defence class?” The blonde muttered, squeezing his eyes shut a couple of times to get the sleep out of them. 

“Absolute shite.” Potter answered, shaking his head as if he couldn’t believe that a class taught by Remus Lupin could ever be shite. “Almost half of the class didn’t show up, and when Remus told us why…”

Potter bit his lip, and it was only now that Draco noticed the other man had grabbed his hand after he reached out to fix his glasses, and that Potter was now playing with his Malfoy family ring. Draco suspected Potter hadn’t noticed he was doing it either.

“I couldn’t even produce my stag. The only other time that has happened was during the battle.” Potter was whispering now, his eyes fixed on the rain behind the window. “And it wasn’t Dean, or Lavender or Padma missing that got to me, it was you. And if I hadn’t passed out then I would have-”

“Wait, you passed out?” Draco asked concerned, now finally fully awake again and sort of capable of following Potter’s ramblings. 

“Casting a faulty patronus can cost much more energy than casting a proper one, as I learned today.” Potter finally looked up at Draco, and smiled just a little bit when he saw the worried look on his pointy face. “I tried to brute-force one, while I wasn't even trying to think of something happy because all I could think about was how you never told me you're depressed.” 

Draco felt his stomach drop as yet another heavy stone landed on the pile of regrets and mistakes he carried around every day. He'd kept it a secret because he didn't want to bother Potter with it. Because it was his problem, that he had pretty much brought upon himself, and the burden was his to carry. 

But maybe, as his roommate and possible friend, Draco should have said something to Potter. It was a pretty big, all affecting think. It wasn't fair of him to let Potter deal with his often shitty behaviour without any explanation. 

“Sorry, I probably should have mentioned that. I was just caught unprepared a bit this afternoon.”  _ Damnit Malfoy, even now you're making idiotic excuses? Coward. _ His internal monologue told him. “I should have told you, that wasn't fair of me.”

“No, that’s not true.” Potter’s voice was suddenly much more powerful than it had been before, and that made Draco’s chest constrict. Despite the fact that he knew Potter would never hurt him, he still didn’t deal well with angry or raised voices. Luckily it looked like the other man hadn’t noticed, since he was too focussed on giving Draco some sort of speech.

“The only thing not fair about all of this is that we have to endure it at all. That we can’t just be teenagers trying to figure out how life works. That mental illnesses are stopping us from acting like proper eighteen year olds. Sometimes I don’t think I’ll never feel like a proper teenager.” 

Potter’s deep sigh brushed some of Draco’s long hair out of his face, making the air smell of treacle tart and black tea. It made his stomach growl. 

“You missed dinner, didn’t you?” Potter suddenly seemed to have forgotten about his previous rant and the concern was back in his green eyes. 

“I  _ skipped  _ dinner.” Draco clarified. If he was going to be open about his depression, he might as well throw the eating problem in there as well. “I can’t really stomach anything when I’m like this.”

“Like what?” Draco was staring at his knees now, but he didn’t need to see Potter in order to know he was confused. It was a pity that he couldn’t bring himself to watch really, because Potter looked very cute when he frowned.

“Lonely. Empty. Hollowed out. Feeling as if everything you do in life is just passing the time until you die.” 

“You must be fun at parties.” Draco shot a sideway glance at Potter, who was looking a bit sheepish. It almost made him roll his eyes at the Pakistani man. 

“I am not, Potter. I am depressed. I don’t eat, I don’t drink, I am scared of crowds, I barely talk to anyone but you and I can’t handle raised voices.” Draco’s gaze drifted back to his knees. “I was fun at parties in fifth year. Now… “ He sighed, but it was only shallow. Anxiety had made his chest constrict to the point where breathing was getting almost painful. “I don’t know what I am. Not fun in any case.”

“I’m sorry.” Potter sniffed, and before he knew what was happening there were strong, muscled arms encircling his delicate frame with such force it knocked the last bit of breath out of him. Draco, very much taken by surprise, stayed rigid in the embrace. 

_ What in the name of Merlin are you doing Potter? _ Was the line on the tip of his tongue, but he swallowed it when he started to get the sense that Potter might need the hug much more than he did. Which was saying something, because despite his reputation as Slytherin ice prince Draco lavished in hugs. 

“Though back in fifth year I would have loved to blame all of my problems on you, my mental issues really are not your fault,” Draco halted for a moment, gathering courage to force one more word over his lips. “Harry.” 

Potter, no  _ Harry _ , chuckled into the crook of his neck. “‘Spose they aren’t, no. But I’m still sorry, despite the fact that back in fifth year I would have happily cursed your face off.” 

“I don’t blame you. I was a right arse back then.” Draco felt Harry chuckle into his neck again, and for the first time in months a hint of a smile showed on his own face as well.

When Harry released him from his death grip and spotter the curled up corners of his mouth, it brought a tender smile to his face. “I’m glad I didn’t though. Curse your face of I mean. That would have been quite a waste.”

Harry reached out for said face and carefully tucked a blonde strand of hair behind his ear. Suddenly Draco found his chest was constricted again, only this time anxiety wasn’t the cause of it. He knew that under normal circumstances this would have been the perfect opportunity for a witty reply, but his foggy brain wasn’t allowing him to say something sharp. 

It was because of this that, when Harry leaned forward and placed a firm kiss on his lips, he felt sad and hopeless. But he also felt wonder and a spark of joy mix with the usual all-numbing greyness that lived in his mind. A relief that made his chest expand and his nostrils flare as he opened them wider to suck in a huge amount of air. 

And then he was pulling Harry back towards himself, cupping his face with both hands. He let one leg dangle off the edge of the alcove so Harry could sit between his legs, which the other man did right away. 

“I’m growing more and more fond of your still intact face.” Harry said a bit breathlessly as they broke the kiss. Draco smiled at his remark, but soon his eyes were drifting from Harry’s slightly flustered face back to his knees. There was an unexpected wave of guilt in his gut, and he couldn’t pinpoint where it had come from. He only knew that it kept himself from fully realise he’d just been  _ kissed  _ by  _ Harry Potter _ . 

A fact that should have blown him off his feet and turned his whole world upside down, but instead had only left him with swollen lips and slightly warmer fingers.

But then it doomed on him where the guilt was coming from, and suddenly he felt much worse. The last hint of joy fell from his face, and he pulled his hands away from Harry’s cheeks and placed them into his lap. 

“What’s wrong?” Harry sounded shaken. A dark skinned hand reached out for his fingers, but it was pulled back when Draco let out a shuddering breath.

“You can’t save me.” It was a whisper nearly too soft to hear over the sound of the rainstorm outside, but Harry managed to catch it. He didn’t manage to understand it though.

“What do you mean I can’t save you?”

“With this.  _ Us _ .” Draco pulled his knees up to his face again, trying very hard not to let his feet touch Harry. “Dating, or, or… I don’t know, it’s just that this won’t stop, and you can’t fix it. Or me. You can’t save me.”

“I don’t understand.” Harry reached for his hands again, but Draco pulled them away. Harry shot him a pained, very confused look. “You know you’re not a lost cause, right Draco?”

Draco took a deep breath to calm himself and gather his thoughts. “What I’m trying to say is that you can’t save me from this... this battle that I’m fighting with myself. My old self, my past, my habits, my traumas. I’m still going to be depressed, and I’m going to have bad days and episodes of self-hatred and lethargy and I’m not going to be a fun person to be around.”

He took another breath, which was shallow again because his chest felt like it was getting trampled by graphhorns. “I’m not just not fun at parties, I’m also not fun to date. Quite the opposite in fact. I just want you to know what you’re getting into, which is a mess, because I’ve disappointed enough people to last a lifetime and-”

“You are not going to disappoint me.” Harry cut him off sharply. “And though I might not know exactly what I’m getting into with you, I have seen what it’s like to be in a relationship with a mentally ill person. Neither my godfather nor his husband are strangers to depression or PTSD.”

When Harry stopped talking Draco looked up from his knees and was met with a pair of impossibly green eyes. Afraid of how the rest of Harry’s face would look, Draco forced himself to focus on just that bright green colour and nothing more. “Are you sure?” 

“I am.” Harry answered without hesitation. “I talked to my godparents about it this evening. That’s why I didn’t know you had skipped dinner, because I was with Padfoot and Moony.” 

A relieved smile started tugging on the corners of Draco’s mouth, as the guilt in his gut slowly lifted to more bearable levels. Truly fanish it never did, he knew that much by now. “That’s good to hear.” 

The smile that broke through on Harry’s face when he heard that was dazzling, and the kiss that followed it even more so. Warm hands pried his cold fingers off his elbows so Harry could shift his knees apart and come closer to deepen the kiss. The faint taste of treacle tart made Draco’s stomach growl for a second time that evening.

“Do you think you can stomach dinner now?” Harry asked when they broke apart, this time even more breathless than after their first kiss.

“You know what, I think I might.” A careful smile curled the corners of his mouth, and just inches away Harry’s mouth did the exact same thing. As he’d said Draco knew that snogging wasn’t going to magically fanish his depression. However he strongly suspected that having Harry be part of his support team was really going to help him find his way out of the grey mist in his mind. 

And maybe, just maybe, he could now finally let himself believe that things were going to be okay again at some point. 

And maybe, or rather definitely, that was the most wonderful feeling in the world.

 

The End.

**Author's Note:**

> I have been very discouraged by the changes in the tumblr system (the "best first" bullshit) because now a lot of my work there gets ignored. I hope my ao3 account won't let me down though! Otherwise I might stop writing all together...
> 
> Stupid tumblr staff


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